I'm moving!

Please visit me here from now on. Also, please leave me your email so that I can send you the password. The blog itself is not going to be password protected, but whole reason I am moving is that I would like to be able to post pictures or tell stories which I may not want the WHOLE world to be able to find. ;) Please don't be shy though, all of you get the password.

I've been tagged...

Thank you to Maybe, Baby who tagged me. ;)

The Rules:
1) Link to the person that tagged you.
2) Post the rules on your blog.
3) Share six non-important things/habits/quirks about yourself.
4) Tag at least three people at the end of your post and link to their blogs.
5) Let each person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.
6) Let the fun begin!

The Facts:
1) I have two strange phobias. I am TERRIFIED of wolves. Not so much now as when I was a kid (I used to not be able to take baths alone because I was afraid that a wolf was going to sneak into the bathroom and carry me off. I also used to have nightmares.). But I still can't stand the sight of them, or listening to them howl (when they come on TV or in a movie I have to close my eyes). I have no idea where this fear came from, and I know that it is ridiculous (Hubby LOVES to tease me)...
2) I am similarly disgusted by bugs. I do not FEAR them per se, but I think they are gross and if they touch me I have to wash whatever part of my body they touched. I can look at them, but it kinda makes me gag.
3) I am obsessed with girlie crap like perfumes, lotions, and make up. I buy those things constantly so that I always have a variety around to choose from - cause I get bored easily too!
4) I went to Italy with a guy I barely knew right before I got married. =O (maybe I'll tell that story one day...lol...its not quite as exciting as it sounds...)
5) I love roller coasters, but refuse to ride anything where the whole point is a huge drop - I think I would pee my pants.
6) I have been white water rafting.

I Tag:

Trace at : 1 Hardy Swimmer
Michelle at : Adam & Michelle
and
Ranbowmomma at: Magical Curiosity

Ureaplasma....WTF?

So, my OBGYN just called. From his personal cell phone. At 8pm.

At this point you have to be pretty sure its something bad, right? lol

Apparently he got my lab results back today (remember the cultures and the 17 vials of blood?). He said everything came back normal except that I have ureaplasma. He seemed to think it was not that big of a deal, but I couldn't figure out why he would call me at night just for that...so I googled it.

Not good.

Apparently its an STD which causes all sorts of problems...mainly infertility. There is a whole list of side effects, but the main cause for concern is that it causes infections in the tubes and PID. Since I am having that pelvic pain (ahhh, it all makes sense now...doesn't it?) I have a sinking feeling that its caused some scar tissue by now. I'm also terrified that my tubes are infected and they are going to have to take them out, hydro-tubes (infected fallopian tubes) are often caused by this bacteria/virus apparently.

Its funny too, because the doctor called right after Hubby told me that his dad just told him today that he didn't think he was going to be able to get the loan for us. We were talking about going back to donor IUI after all these tests were done for one last try before moving on to adoption.

On the bright side I guess its better that we haven't wasted any more money than we already have on donor sperm...

I know I'm being a total downer right now. I'm really sorry guys. But I am just so exhausted. I am so tired of fighting and fighting only to be knocked down over and over again. I feel like I am fighting a current...is this God (or whomever) trying to tell me that we are not meant to be pregnant? It sure feels like it. I've always believed that if you keep coming up against walls while trying to pursue something, then maybe you are not going in the direction you are supposed to be going and that is the universes way of telling you to knock it off, to move in another direction. This doesn't mean that I don't believe in perseverance and hard work - I most certainly do - but there is a difference between being tenacious, and running repeatedly into a brick wall and not having the sense to stop or go around it.

Maybe that's the point I'm at. I don't know. I don't know when I will know. But I know that I am getting very, very tired. I really, really wish I didn't want this so badly. I wish I knew how to be happy about a life without children.

I am just so scared of being alone. Hubby has very serious health problems. I am an only child. I have no cousins (none who are closely related, or whom I have a relationship with), and everyone in my family is getting old (even my parents). My great grandmother is on her death bed right now....and I am SO terrified that one day, when I am old and dying like she is now...I am going to be all alone. Its not the only reason why I want children (not even close), but it is a huge part of what terrifies me about it never happening.

I'm sorry to be such a bummer today. Hopefully they won't find much damage (or any at all) when they go in next month and the $ for the IVF will fall out of the sky. Birds will sing. We'll get knocked up on our first try. Then we'll win the lotto....

Hey, a girl can dream! =)

**UPDATE** Apparently it is NOT an STD, I misunderstood. It *is* sexually transmitted, but that is not the only way that someone can get it.

I would like to thank....

Trace at One Hardy Swimmer has nominated me for this award:





AWARD GUIDELINES:

Awarded parties must nominate five people who have not received the award.

The blogs that receive the award must serve some purpose. In their post about the award they need to link back to the original entry. Awarded parties must post the award banner on their site. The banner must remain linked to Eric Novak's site.

(I have no idea how to link the banner, so here is the link.)

And now for the nominees (drum roll please):

Tammy (PWP) has been through SO much through out her TTC journey, and still manages to be one of the sweetest, most caring, and biggest hearted people that I have ever had the pleasure of meeting. Her husband also has health problems, but through it all she never hesitates to encourage and up lift everyone else!

Future Wise a fellow male factor and future IVFer. This woman has a sick granny-in-law, she just moved to a new home AND she is about to start IVF...wow!!

Oro blogs about all sorts of interesting topics (one super smart chick). She is also currently preggo via IVF with her first!

Hopeful, a blogger from "down under" who has been through the IF wringer for years now and is currently beginning her foster-adopt journey.

And last but not least Batty Nurse, a traveling nurse who is about you become a SMBC via IVF!

Whew, what fantastic and fascinating fellow bloggers I have! Thanks, Trace, for the nomination & the kind words! =)

This Week (in a nutshell)

I finally heard back from the RE as to what our discount is going to be: 40%!!! Yippie!

I have also decided to go ahead with the laproscopy which is scheduled for February 8th. I called the RE and asked two different people if they would accept the lap instead of the hestryoscopy and got told both no and yes. So, I'm just going to do it (without doing the dye part) and hope that they accept it. I assume that they will since all they are looking for is anything that would prevent an embryo from implanting (fibroids, infected tubes, etc) and they will be able to see any of those things during the lap. Whether or not my tubes are actually blocked really shouldn't matter if we are doing IVF, and if they end up wanting it after all then I am hoping that their price for JUST the HSG will be lower than adding it to my surgery would be.

I am also just about ready to sent off my grad school application packet. I just met with my last professor who is writing a letter of recommendation for me today, now I just have to fine tune the letter of intent and mail that sucker off. Too bad I have zero confidence and had to send copies to everyone I know to proof read before I will go anywhere near the post office with the damn thing. For some reason I am utterly convinced that everyone is going to take one look at what I have written, determine that I am a hopeless moron, and black list me from all graduate programs for the rest of all time.

I have no idea how long they will make me wait to start my IVF after the lap (anyone know?) but I am sort of thinking about doing it in April so that I will be able to start grad school in the Fall (if I get in) and that way I won't end up going into labor before finals! lol I will take a quarter off when I have the baby, but they won't let you take the first quarter you are admitted off or else they make you re-apply (and there is no WAY I want to go through all of this again).

I guess that's all for now. Not a terribly exciting blog, I know...but I think my poor brain just has nothing left to give after agonizing over that damn letter for all of these months!

Grrrr

I just found out that one of my coworkers (same age as me) who got married last May is 2.5 months pregnant. A good friend of mine who, I confide all of my IF troubles in, just couldn't wait to tell me about it...she was so excited. That same friend (the one who just told me) was the first person I called when we got Hubby's SA back and I found out that we couldn't have kids. I sobbed on the phone to her for over an hour, you know, the kind of crying where you forget to breathe?

People are idiots. Even friends, can be IDIOTS. Enough said?

To Whom it May Concern

Dear Creepy Guy from Car Rental Place,
I am writing to let you know that using terms such as "cock blocking" while driving someone (particularly a female) around whom you have just met is not exactly appropriate. I would expect someone in a customer service position to already know such a thing, and I was particularly surprised when you later mentioned that you are involved in youth ministry - do you also use that sort of language around children? When you later began telling me your own personal philosophies on homosexuality (that people are gay because they have been sexually abused and that homosexuality was a symptom of their being sin in the world) I quickly realized that you were simply extremely unintelligent. I would ask if it ever occurred to you that I might be attracted to members of the same sex, but I somehow doubt that thinking is an activity which you indulge in on a regular basis.

Dear God,
I just wanted to write you a quick note to let you know that I did not mean all of those things that I said yesterday while I was driving home covered in ice cold goo. I do understand that things in my life could be worse and I do not wish to experience alternate possibilities. Please disregard any statement including the phrases "God hates me", "Bring it on", or "What else could possibly go wrong?". Thank you.

***********************************************************

I'm having a bit of trouble making my mind up about something. I got a call today from my OBGYN, they got the Lap covered by my insurance but that they would not be able to check my tubes with the dye (and I checked with the RE and they said that that would be all they need from me to move ahead,they do not need the dye done)...but they cannot get me in until February 8th. My copay for that would be $250

OR I could have the RE's office do a hysteroscopy for $900. The advantage here would be that they WOULD check my tubes (no real reason that I need that done, now that we are doing IVF, but I would really like to know) and that I bet they would be able to get me in sooner. The downside is that I would be awake and its going to HURT. Though probably not as bad as the surgery would.

So really, I would prefer to get the hysteroscopy done...but I just don't know if I can justify it for the amount of $ I would save by doing the other. Money is tight particularly now that my car has broken down and I am likely going to have to buy a new car within the next week or two.

What do you guys think?? Which one should I do?

(I forgot to mention that the doc wants to do the Lap because he suspects endo - though he cant find any evidence of it when he does physical exams. Does that mean I have to do the Lap or with IVF will endo not matter?)